Monday, May 11, 2020

City Takes Action Against Alleged "Candidates"



Trigger warning: Satire Ahead

Santa Clara City Hall filed complaints with the FPPC this week about residents who have pulled papers to run for City Council.

"We did our due diligence in this matter," said the City Manager.

"We hired Dewey Cheatum and Howe, the California arm of the Internet Research Agency, to investigate credible allegations of electoral ambition on the part of these individuals. DC&H found clear evidence that at least two known troublemakers were planning campaigns."

"This was never intended by our charter," explained the City Clerk. 

"The charter provides for elections when they are necessary — for example, if Council Members disagree with our great mayor. Elections were never intended to allow random people to run for Council."

The FPPC has yet to respond, although an official there, speaking on the condition of anonymity, commented that it was just another example of what the official called, "Santa Clara Looney Tunes."

"They are constantly sending us specious complaints. Right now the paper is useful in the face of the toilet paper shortage."

The City Clerk also said that the City is investigating the false narratives published by local news outlets.

"The First Amendment was never intended to allow newspapers to promote so-called 'elections,'" the Clerk said. "It's just another example of how Hillary Clinton and her space alien army living under Levi's Stadium are trying to take over Santa Clara."

The City was also investigating whether it could publish city legal notices in the Weekly World News, the Clerk said, until it was discovered the supermarket tabloid had gone out of business in 2007. "We were interested because of their fair and balanced Batboy coverage."