Wednesday, September 23, 2020

City Denounces 49ers For Comcast Outage

Trigger Warning: Satire Ahead

At a special meeting today, the Santa Clara City Council approved, 4-2, a Stern Rebuke and Admonition against the 49ers for what they say was the NFL team's role in the Wednesday's Comcast outage.

"We are completely outraged," said the Mayor.

"First they undermine our day-lengthening initiative, which would have benefitted all Santa Clara residents, and now they cut off our internet, hurting our most vulnerable residents. I don't know what's next. Maybe they're going to say the earth isn't flat."

When asked by a reporter how the team could "turn off" Comcast's internet and cable TV service, the mayor replied, "Because of their mismanagement, the stadium is sucking up all the pixels or whatever so there's none left for our residents."

The Mayor ended the discussion, saying that she didn't have time to talk to "newsy thingys."

Speaking from an igloo off the grid, the Councilmember from Antarctica District said, "Our kids can't do their homework because they're being starved of the digibits they need. This is disgusting."

A second Councilmember weighed in.

"When we used to get our digibits and pixels over the telephone— and that was so long ago that many of you here probably can't remember when you needed to have a telephone number and a wire to get to the internet through Netscape — it was easier to control where they were going, but now when they're just all mixed up in your cable TV — which many people are dropping now anyway — you can't figure out who's getting what and then there's the whole problem of where to park them when they're not being used and it's very hard to know what's going on, but I think we have to hold the 49ers accountable."

The City Manager announced that the City was launching an $1 million investigation into the matter, saying, "We have hired Rudy Giuliani and he's preparing to travel to Ukraine to investigate."

The Council can expect a full report before the election said the City Manager. "Our communications consultant Alfred E. Neuman is rolling out a citywide education program. We think we will be able to reach the entire city via telegraph."

The City Manager also reported that they are talking to AG William Barr about bringing federal criminal charges against Council dissenters under the Alien and Sedition Act of 1798.

© Carolyn Schuk

Tuesday, September 22, 2020

City Files New Lawsuit Alleging 49ers Interference in City's Day Lengthening Initiative

Trigger warning: satire ahead

The Santa Clara City Attorney announced this week that the City is filing a new lawsuit against the 49es. The City alleges that the NFL team has interfered with the sun’s rotation around the earth, thereby stalling and ultimately reversing the City's day-lengthening initiative. 

This is the 49th lawsuit the City has filed against the team. 

"This is just another example of their mismanagement," said the Mayor. "It's not a coincidence that the NFL season opened and suddenly the days started getting shorter. We're not surprised they’re throwing their billions around to influence the solar system, helped by the Fake News.”

 The City initially saw good results from the initiative, said the City Manager. “But that started slowing down in July and then it really went in the wrong direction when the pre-season was supposed to start. We asked to see the reports about their astrology operation, but they claimed there was no such thing.” 

Speaking from an secret bunker, the council member from the Southwest-Northeast District weighed in saying, “They’re pushing these lies on small children. I’ve seen textbooks with these lies. These are our kids' minds that are being poisoned.” 

“They just have to stop, along with their media enablers,” said the member from District 9 ¾. “That’s right, I mean you, New York Times. City Attorney, can we arrest the publisher of the New York Times? We should be able to. I mean, this is totally unfair.” 

The City Attorney said that as desirable for public morals as it would be to arrest the NYT publisher for sedition, he didn’t have any jurisdiction over the NYPD. 

The mayor’s council opponents held a press conference, telling news outlets that the move was just more evidence that the mayor and her allies needed to find a new line of work. 

 “I hear that Ringling Brothers is looking for clowns,” said one. “I could give them strong references. They always make me laugh.” 

 Update: A Superior Court judge dismissed the City's complaint late this afternoon saying that "people who still believe the sun revolves around the earth have no right to waste judicial time." The City announced that it will appeal the dismissal. 

© Carolyn Schuk

Wednesday, September 9, 2020

Rose Garden Becomes Santa Clara's Special District

 Trigger warning: satire ahead

San José Rose Garden residents report that they've started seeing lawn signs for Santa Clara City Council candidates in their neighborhood. 

This is the first step in Santa Clara's Rose Garden annexation, explained the Santa Clara City Mayor in a press conference held yesterday. "We want our Rose Garden citizens to feel they're part of our community," said the Mayor, "and what better way than to invite them to vote in the city." 

Because it's too late to have the County Registrar of Voters send new ballots, Santa Clara is printing and distributing new ballots to its newest citizens, explained the Mayor. 

Many have been asking which district the Rose Garden will be annexed to.

"We feel that we need to recognize the Rose Garden's special-ness by making it a Special District," said the Mayor.  "Residents will be able to vote for all four open Council seats."

Despite the budget deficit, the City has appropriated $200,000 for an education campaign run by spinmeister Alfred E. Neuman, the City's communications and public outreach advisor. Neuman launched the program by spending nine hours reading posts on Weekly World News Santa Clara Edition, InfoWars and Discord — invoicing the City $57,959.12 for the work. 

The education campaign is needed because Rose Garden residents may not know how to vote, the Mayor explained. 

"They're used to voting in San José where they get to choose who to vote for," the Mayor said. "They don't realize that's not the Santa Clara Way." 

To help voters make the right choices, Special District voters will only have one choice for each seat,  said the City Manager. "We have to make it as simple as possible because the media is misleading people with its false narratives about candidates." 

The County Registrar of Voters said that no ballots except those from the ROV office will be counted. 

"Until we're advised through official channels, not that whackadoodle mayor, any strange ballots we receive will go into our 'special' circular file," the Registrar said. "We have a few of those every election — people voting on their own special ballots for the King of Mars and such." 

A Rose Garden resident who was asked what she thought of the annexation replied, "What annexation? If I catch that Q-Anon crank sticking signs in my lawn again, I'm going to shove them up his kiester."