Thursday, August 20, 2020

Santa Clara Annexes Rose Garden

Trigger Warning for the Humor Challenged: Satire Ahead 

Santa Clara's Mayor announced that the City is annexing San José's Rose Garden neighborhood, in what the Mayor calls a "liberation action." 

 Two Councilmembers opposed the action, saying that the charter doesn't give the Mayor military powers.

 "Well, it would if it wasn't written by the Illuminati and the 49ers," said the City Attorney. "I'm disgusted to be associated with people who don't understand our Dear Mayor's intrinsic powers." 

Opponents pointed out to the Attorney that the charter was written in 1952 — more than half a century before the 49ers ever showed an interest in Santa Clara. "They were working on their diabolical plans many decades ago," said the Attorney. 

"This is just another example of how Satan-worshipping pedophiles and their dark money is corrupting our city government," said the City Clerk, who said he was going to launch an investigation into whether the dissenting Councilmembers were Reptilians from Mars and thus ineligible to serve on the Council. 

"The Rose Garden is a historical part of Santa Clara and there are thousands of Santa Clarans living under the oppressive hand of San José," said the Mayor. "Nothing has changed for the better for them since the dark days of Dutch Hamann. 

"People are marching across America for the right to be heard and have their votes counted," the Mayor continued. "And yet, right here at home just because Santa Clarans live on the wrong side of a line, they are denied their right to be represented in Santa Clara City Hall." 

The City received a direct appeal from Rose Garden residents, according to the Mayor. "Today the brave patriots of the Keep the Garden Brigade (KGB) and the Soccer Squadron (SS) have launched the liberation action." The mayor plans to lead the troops herself from her Mercedes SUV. 

"I don't know what the big deal is," said the Council Member from District 9¾ (New Hampshire). "It's just a friggin' line. What's your problem, Fake News?" 

 Reportedly, consultants are at work developing distinctive branding for Santa Clara's new paramilitary forces. The designs feature the colors brown and red, representing the fertile land of the Santa Clara Valley and the cherries once grown here. The Mayor is considering a blue uniform for herself, styled after the blue war paint of the Celtic warrior queen Boadicea. 

Last week in a 4-2 vote, the Council approved a $1 million contract with a San Francisco PR firm to develop educational materials about the annexation. When a Councilmember questioned the need for this when the city was facing a $34 million deficit, the City Manager replied that this was part of the Council's Transparency Pillar of governance. 

Called for comment, the Mayor of San José said, "Looney behavior from the Santa Clara Mayor isn't news. Let me know when she gets to University Ave."

Monday, August 3, 2020

Santa Clara City Council Moves To Repeal Law Of Gravity

Trigger warning for the humor-challenged: Satire ahead.

[With a hat tip to a good friend who gave me this idea]


Facing a budget in free fall, the Santa Clara City Council is set to approve a November ballot measure to repeal the law of gravity, which its proponents say would cause revenue numbers to ‘fall’ up instead of down. and expense numbers to ‘increase’ down instead of up.


Two Council Members panned the notion as disconnected from empirical reality.


“You can’t ‘repeal’ the laws of physics, even under the theory of General Relativity,” said one of the naysayers, an engineer. “Classic mechanics still apply in the context of events on planet Earth.”


The Council Member also noted that if deficits could be turned into surpluses that easily, many residents wouldn’t be applying for rental assistance.


“Dollars are not quantum particles,” added the other opponent of the proposal, a math teacher. “Even kindergarteners know that no cookies can’t be turned into a full cookie jar just because Mommy says it’s full.”


The Mayor told the dissenters that they didn’t understand Santa Clara’s Special Physics.


“We’re different in Santa Clara. We don’t do things just because other cities do them. It’s the Santa Clara Way. Just because the [air quotes] law of gravity applies in San Jose doesn’t mean it has to apply in our city,” the mayor said.


District 9 ¾’s Council Member weighed in via telegraph, explaining that there was no phone service at the Hogwarts NH Station. The meeting had to take a short recess while the City Manager found a retired employee who knew Morse code.


“We’re only having this argument because of the fake news calling a minus sign a ‘deficit.’ STOP.  It’s just a stupid dash. STOP. It means whatever we say it means STOP,” the Council Member telegraphed.


Another supporter told the dissenters, “I’m just shocked by your disloyalty to our dear, hardworking mayor, who is totally dedicated to making our city better, and all you can do is try to stand in the way. Well it won’t work!"


The Council Member then proposed a motion to unseat the dissenters, saying, “We have just had enough of them and it’s time for this to stop. City Attorney, can we start a process to remove them?"

The City Attorney said, that as shameful as the dissenters’ behavior was, “unfortunately the Charter doesn’t allow us to take that step.”


Another Council Member pointed out that there was Silicon Valley precedent for the Council’s action. “Look at Uber. Every day they’re turning minus signs into positive cash flow from venture capitalists.”


The City Manager told the Council that she would bring back a draft ballot measure as well as an implementation plan at the next meeting. The Manager recommended that the City consider hiring a former Theranos executive to head the project.


“Unfortunately, Elizabeth Holmes won’t be available during the timeframe we need,” the manager said, “but there are others who are well qualified to head this project.”


The measure passed 4-2.