Saturday, May 30, 2020

Equine Group Charges Biden Accuser With "Horsenapping"

 An equine advocacy group, Believe The Horses (BTH) is asking the Democratic Party investigate horse kidnapping charges against Biden accuser Tara Reade.

San Jose Inside was one of the first news outlets to report the alleged kidnapping.

“We demand that our voices be finally heard,” said the group’s founder and spokeshorse Mister Ed. “For decades humans like Reade have gotten away with this kind of behavior with impunity because nobody listens when horses talk.”

BTH alleges that Reade kidnapped a horse named Charm from an equine rescue organization without the horse’s consent. Charm says emphatically that she did not give Reade consent and was deeply upset by Reade’s assumption that she, Charm, wanted to be adopted by the human.

When questioned, Reade said that Charm had given hoofed consent, but that she didn’t keep a copy.

“We demand an non-partisan investigation of these charges,” said Ed. “Charm was taken advantage of by a human who used her position as a verbal biped to force herself on a quadruped without the resources to fight back.”

Ed also said that his group was investigating Vladimir Putin’s equine relationships, calling widely distributed photos of the Russian leader on horseback "disturbing," and "at least suggesting sado-masochism." Reade has expressed admiration for Putin and some suspect a connection.

The Democratic Party had no comment. Donald Trump tweeted, "FAK NUWS trying to smeer a desent womin. #gratestprezadintevr."


Monday, May 11, 2020

City Takes Action Against Alleged "Candidates"

Trigger warning: Satire Ahead

Santa Clara City Hall filed complaints with the FPPC this week about residents who have pulled papers to run for City Council.

"We did our due diligence in this matter," said the City Manager.

"We hired Dewey Cheatum and Howe, the California arm of the Internet Research Agency, to investigate credible allegations of electoral ambition on the part of these individuals. DC&H found clear evidence that at least two known troublemakers were planning campaigns."

"This was never intended by our charter," explained the City Clerk. 

"The charter provides for elections when they are necessary — for example, if Council Members disagree with our great mayor. Elections were never intended to allow random people to run for Council."

The FPPC has yet to respond, although an official there, speaking on the condition of anonymity, commented that it was just another example of what the official called, "Santa Clara Looney Tunes."

"They are constantly sending us specious complaints. Right now the paper is useful in the face of the toilet paper shortage."

The City Clerk also said that the City is investigating the false narratives published by local news outlets.

"The First Amendment was never intended to allow newspapers to promote so-called 'elections,'" the Clerk said. "It's just another example of how Hillary Clinton and her space alien army living under Levi's Stadium are trying to take over Santa Clara."

The City was also investigating whether it could publish city legal notices in the Weekly World News, the Clerk said, until it was discovered the supermarket tabloid had gone out of business in 2007. "We were interested because of their fair and balanced Batboy coverage."