Tuesday, August 31, 2021

Mayor Demands Recount of 2020 Election, Citing Outer Space Interference

Trigger warning: Satire ahead.

Santa Clara's Mayor is demanding the County Registrar of Voters bring in Cyber Ninjas to investigate the 2020 election.

The Mayor says that she recently received evidence from the City's pre-eminent fossil fuel advocate, a middle school blogger and a pizza oven, showing that reptile space aliens teleported thousands of ballots to their home planet Remulac and replaced them with new ballots made from Levi's Stadium turf.


The Mayor's candidate, the fossil fuel advocate, lost the election to a candidate who is alleged to have received the most votes. 


"This is what happens when you, quote, 'count votes,'" the Mayor said in an interview with Alex Jones at InfoWars. "I don't care when it happened. There had to be something going on. [The winning candidate] wasn't even in Santa Clara in 1975 and then he wins an election?


"That's not the Santa Clara Way," she continued. "It's clear his family are reptile space aliens. I'm pretty sure when we look at those ballots we'll see the turf fibers in them and I'm confident that by Halloween the fossil fuel industry will have a strong representative on Council leading our greenhouse gas expansion program."


"We're not opposed to reptile aliens," the City Attorney said. "Our City has many communities of outer space origin. But even space aliens have to play by the rules, and those rules say you can't just win elections by getting the most votes. We will be bringing forward an ordinance to keep that from happening again."


When asked for comment, the victorious Council Member replied, "My family comes from Korea, not outer space. I suggest that the Mayor stop eating the mushrooms she finds around town on her pizza."


The City Manager cautioned that Cyber Ninjas might not be available for the recount until 2025. "However," the Manager said, "I'm sure we can find equally qualified vendors on 4Chan."


The Diversion and Confusion Commission plans a listening tour of the City's space alien neighborhoods — sometimes called "apartment complexes" — and will report back to the Council on its findings in July 2027.

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