Trigger warning: Satire ahead.
The Clerk reported that he had gathered data from "many sources" including QAnon message boards, the Drudge Report and Infowars.
The clerk says that he has also found evidence of Martian lizard people living under 4949 DeBartolo Way in the most recent QAnon code
drop, 1234567890qwerty. JFK Junior and Elvis are also likely living there, he said.
"It's a smoking gun — you could see the lasers going up from Levi's Stadium," he said. "But they didn't report these expenditures on their Form 460s. We are taking this abuse of our dark money prohibition to the Fair Political Practices Commission."
"I'd really like to thank our city clerk for bringing this to my attention," said the Santa Clara mayor. "Without his hard work, we would never have known about this. It's just another example of how the 49ers are keeping us in the dark."
"These space lizards are overcrowding our
schools," said the council member from District 3.14. "They are shining those laser
lights into people's windows and keeping our children from getting a good
night's sleep."
The mayor brushed aside questions about why the City Clerk was reading QAnon message boards on city time.
"Our officials are very dedicated to staying informed," she said. "Some of our council members even read newspaperish thingeys like the New York Times, which has nothing to do with Santa Clara."
The Santa Clara city attorney also weighed in. "There is clear precedent for legal action here," he said, citing the 1955 class action lawsuit Doe v Martians.
"The 9th amendment gives us the absolute right
to prohibit the 49ers' use of space lasers," he said. "But the 49er
lizards on the city council are blocking legal action on the orders of their
Martian overlords."
The city manager proposed hiring a consultant to investigate the stadium lasers and the space lizards, saying that the city is hoping to hire Rudy Guiliani. "He has a lot of experience investigating lizard people and is currently available," the manager said.
This was quashed by the Council's Reality Party majority. The city attorney objected, saying that refusing to talk about space lizards nesting under the 50 yard-line at Levi's Stadium was abridging his First Amendment rights"