Monday, August 3, 2020

Santa Clara City Council Moves To Repeal Law Of Gravity

Trigger warning for the humor-challenged: Satire ahead.

[With a hat tip to a good friend who gave me this idea]


Facing a budget in free fall, the Santa Clara City Council is set to approve a November ballot measure to repeal the law of gravity, which its proponents say would cause revenue numbers to ‘fall’ up instead of down. and expense numbers to ‘increase’ down instead of up.


Two Council Members panned the notion as disconnected from empirical reality.


“You can’t ‘repeal’ the laws of physics, even under the theory of General Relativity,” said one of the naysayers, an engineer. “Classic mechanics still apply in the context of events on planet Earth.”


The Council Member also noted that if deficits could be turned into surpluses that easily, many residents wouldn’t be applying for rental assistance.


“Dollars are not quantum particles,” added the other opponent of the proposal, a math teacher. “Even kindergarteners know that no cookies can’t be turned into a full cookie jar just because Mommy says it’s full.”


The Mayor told the dissenters that they didn’t understand Santa Clara’s Special Physics.


“We’re different in Santa Clara. We don’t do things just because other cities do them. It’s the Santa Clara Way. Just because the [air quotes] law of gravity applies in San Jose doesn’t mean it has to apply in our city,” the mayor said.


District 9 ¾’s Council Member weighed in via telegraph, explaining that there was no phone service at the Hogwarts NH Station. The meeting had to take a short recess while the City Manager found a retired employee who knew Morse code.


“We’re only having this argument because of the fake news calling a minus sign a ‘deficit.’ STOP.  It’s just a stupid dash. STOP. It means whatever we say it means STOP,” the Council Member telegraphed.


Another supporter told the dissenters, “I’m just shocked by your disloyalty to our dear, hardworking mayor, who is totally dedicated to making our city better, and all you can do is try to stand in the way. Well it won’t work!"


The Council Member then proposed a motion to unseat the dissenters, saying, “We have just had enough of them and it’s time for this to stop. City Attorney, can we start a process to remove them?"

The City Attorney said, that as shameful as the dissenters’ behavior was, “unfortunately the Charter doesn’t allow us to take that step.”


Another Council Member pointed out that there was Silicon Valley precedent for the Council’s action. “Look at Uber. Every day they’re turning minus signs into positive cash flow from venture capitalists.”


The City Manager told the Council that she would bring back a draft ballot measure as well as an implementation plan at the next meeting. The Manager recommended that the City consider hiring a former Theranos executive to head the project.


“Unfortunately, Elizabeth Holmes won’t be available during the timeframe we need,” the manager said, “but there are others who are well qualified to head this project.”


The measure passed 4-2.

No comments:

Post a Comment