Thursday, August 20, 2020

Santa Clara Annexes Rose Garden

Trigger Warning for the Humor Challenged: Satire Ahead 

Santa Clara's Mayor announced that the City is annexing San José's Rose Garden neighborhood, in what the Mayor calls a "liberation action." 

 Two Councilmembers opposed the action, saying that the charter doesn't give the Mayor military powers.

 "Well, it would if it wasn't written by the Illuminati and the 49ers," said the City Attorney. "I'm disgusted to be associated with people who don't understand our Dear Mayor's intrinsic powers." 

Opponents pointed out to the Attorney that the charter was written in 1952 — more than half a century before the 49ers ever showed an interest in Santa Clara. "They were working on their diabolical plans many decades ago," said the Attorney. 

"This is just another example of how Satan-worshipping pedophiles and their dark money is corrupting our city government," said the City Clerk, who said he was going to launch an investigation into whether the dissenting Councilmembers were Reptilians from Mars and thus ineligible to serve on the Council. 

"The Rose Garden is a historical part of Santa Clara and there are thousands of Santa Clarans living under the oppressive hand of San José," said the Mayor. "Nothing has changed for the better for them since the dark days of Dutch Hamann. 

"People are marching across America for the right to be heard and have their votes counted," the Mayor continued. "And yet, right here at home just because Santa Clarans live on the wrong side of a line, they are denied their right to be represented in Santa Clara City Hall." 

The City received a direct appeal from Rose Garden residents, according to the Mayor. "Today the brave patriots of the Keep the Garden Brigade (KGB) and the Soccer Squadron (SS) have launched the liberation action." The mayor plans to lead the troops herself from her Mercedes SUV. 

"I don't know what the big deal is," said the Council Member from District 9¾ (New Hampshire). "It's just a friggin' line. What's your problem, Fake News?" 

 Reportedly, consultants are at work developing distinctive branding for Santa Clara's new paramilitary forces. The designs feature the colors brown and red, representing the fertile land of the Santa Clara Valley and the cherries once grown here. The Mayor is considering a blue uniform for herself, styled after the blue war paint of the Celtic warrior queen Boadicea. 

Last week in a 4-2 vote, the Council approved a $1 million contract with a San Francisco PR firm to develop educational materials about the annexation. When a Councilmember questioned the need for this when the city was facing a $34 million deficit, the City Manager replied that this was part of the Council's Transparency Pillar of governance. 

Called for comment, the Mayor of San José said, "Looney behavior from the Santa Clara Mayor isn't news. Let me know when she gets to University Ave."

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