Wednesday, September 23, 2020

City Denounces 49ers For Comcast Outage

Trigger Warning: Satire Ahead

At a special meeting today, the Santa Clara City Council approved, 4-2, a Stern Rebuke and Admonition against the 49ers for what they say was the NFL team's role in the Wednesday's Comcast outage.

"We are completely outraged," said the Mayor.

"First they undermine our day-lengthening initiative, which would have benefitted all Santa Clara residents, and now they cut off our internet, hurting our most vulnerable residents. I don't know what's next. Maybe they're going to say the earth isn't flat."

When asked by a reporter how the team could "turn off" Comcast's internet and cable TV service, the mayor replied, "Because of their mismanagement, the stadium is sucking up all the pixels or whatever so there's none left for our residents."

The Mayor ended the discussion, saying that she didn't have time to talk to "newsy thingys."

Speaking from an igloo off the grid, the Councilmember from Antarctica District said, "Our kids can't do their homework because they're being starved of the digibits they need. This is disgusting."

A second Councilmember weighed in.

"When we used to get our digibits and pixels over the telephone— and that was so long ago that many of you here probably can't remember when you needed to have a telephone number and a wire to get to the internet through Netscape — it was easier to control where they were going, but now when they're just all mixed up in your cable TV — which many people are dropping now anyway — you can't figure out who's getting what and then there's the whole problem of where to park them when they're not being used and it's very hard to know what's going on, but I think we have to hold the 49ers accountable."

The City Manager announced that the City was launching an $1 million investigation into the matter, saying, "We have hired Rudy Giuliani and he's preparing to travel to Ukraine to investigate."

The Council can expect a full report before the election said the City Manager. "Our communications consultant Alfred E. Neuman is rolling out a citywide education program. We think we will be able to reach the entire city via telegraph."

The City Manager also reported that they are talking to AG William Barr about bringing federal criminal charges against Council dissenters under the Alien and Sedition Act of 1798.

© Carolyn Schuk

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