Tuesday, August 31, 2021

Mayor Demands Recount of 2020 Election, Citing Outer Space Interference

Trigger warning: Satire ahead.

Santa Clara's Mayor is demanding the County Registrar of Voters bring in Cyber Ninjas to investigate the 2020 election.

The Mayor says that she recently received evidence from the City's pre-eminent fossil fuel advocate, a middle school blogger and a pizza oven, showing that reptile space aliens teleported thousands of ballots to their home planet Remulac and replaced them with new ballots made from Levi's Stadium turf.


The Mayor's candidate, the fossil fuel advocate, lost the election to a candidate who is alleged to have received the most votes. 


"This is what happens when you, quote, 'count votes,'" the Mayor said in an interview with Alex Jones at InfoWars. "I don't care when it happened. There had to be something going on. [The winning candidate] wasn't even in Santa Clara in 1975 and then he wins an election?


"That's not the Santa Clara Way," she continued. "It's clear his family are reptile space aliens. I'm pretty sure when we look at those ballots we'll see the turf fibers in them and I'm confident that by Halloween the fossil fuel industry will have a strong representative on Council leading our greenhouse gas expansion program."


"We're not opposed to reptile aliens," the City Attorney said. "Our City has many communities of outer space origin. But even space aliens have to play by the rules, and those rules say you can't just win elections by getting the most votes. We will be bringing forward an ordinance to keep that from happening again."


When asked for comment, the victorious Council Member replied, "My family comes from Korea, not outer space. I suggest that the Mayor stop eating the mushrooms she finds around town on her pizza."


The City Manager cautioned that Cyber Ninjas might not be available for the recount until 2025. "However," the Manager said, "I'm sure we can find equally qualified vendors on 4Chan."


The Diversion and Confusion Commission plans a listening tour of the City's space alien neighborhoods — sometimes called "apartment complexes" — and will report back to the Council on its findings in July 2027.

Wednesday, April 21, 2021

Santa Clara's $5.8 Million CVRA Lawsuit and the Delusions Behind It

 With Santa Clara's voting rights lawsuit finally settled, I looked back at more than 10 years of reporting on this issue from the first warning letter the city got from civil rights attorney Robert Rubin in 2011.   

In that jaunt down memory lane, I looked at some notes from the trial in 2018 that never found their way completely into any of my reporting — for space reasons, largely, but also because it might give critics pretext for dismissing our reporting as character assassination.

It's an exchange between Doyle and Judge Kuhnle about whether or not the California Voting Rights Act applies to charter cities. (An appeals court in the Palmdale case ruled that the answer is 'yes, it does.' ) 

In retrospect, it seems like the character — Santa Clara City Attorney Brian Doyle — did all the assassinating himself. 

I regret not publishing the transcript, because this few minutes of conversation captures the delusional thinking that led the City to the worst of all possible decisions every step of the way in the ten year slog to paying out $5.8 million.

Doyle seemed to try to re-litigate the case at the end of an award hearing, which is peculiar — I'm no lawyer but I know better than to argue with a judge about a ruling in a hearing about an entirely different matter.

Here's the annotated transcript:

Doyle: I'd like to remind the court of the city's situation. This case began with the 2011 letter [from Rubin]. I've tried to explain my dilemma. Santa Clara is a charter city. I have to act in accordance with the charter. [for the city council to change the city's election system] they had to adopt a resolution that some members of the city council had been elected with racially polarized voting…asking me to move outside the charter was impossible. 


Therefore, we instituted the charter review committee. [the plaintiffs] instead of joining us in an effort to satisfy [plaintiff's] concerns, they opposed this charter amendment [the failed Measure A for multi-member dustructs]. At what point was the City of Santa Clara to violate its charter to satisfy his [Rubin's] demands…At every single stage I have tried to respect the charter. I think the state made a mistake [in Palmdale].


Kuhnle: Wasn't that issue resolved 100 percent long ago…You don't think it's correct? Are you saying this court should ignore binding authority [appellate court decisions]? I'm assuming you did not advise [your client to do so]. You did regard it as your job [to advise your client of the law]? 


Doyle:  We don't agree with your position


Kuhnle: It's not my position…It's my job to uphold the laws of California including appellate court decisions.


Doyle: I don't necessarily agree


Kuhnle: When a state court of appeal rules, that's binding on all courts…I'm not arguing with you. I'm stating the facts. Your position is that Palmdale is not binding…You, too, have to uphold the laws of California. You feel that you're not bound by appellate court decisions. I find that an unusual view. 


[City's outside counsel] Steve Churchwell: He's not [dismissing] Palmdale… he's saying that he can't tell the city council to do this by resolution. We [charter cities] can't do anything in 30 days, we need at least six months…[back on the subject of the award] There's no damages. What they're calling a settlement is selling the city down the river. Was there any real attempt to settle? No.

Kuhnle: Reasonableness of settlements are not among the Serrano factors [for deciding awards]…I do recall there being a discussion about whether the parties [here] might find a settlement...The back and forth is very interesting but I'm not sure it bears on what's before us today. What I had to do was apply Palmdale.

Doyle: I was trying to explain my position.


Kuhnle: I don't want to get lost in matters not before the court.


Rubin: The  2011 letter was [written] without any expectation of attorney's fees. [A remedy] did not happen in 2012. It did not happen in 2015 or 2016. There was plenty of time. They [the city] controlled the trajectory of litigation at every stage. 


Kuhnle: Attorney fees raises the issue that litigation is very costly. Mr. Doyle disagrees on how the city responds to it …the CVRA applies to charter cities according to the appellate court. 


This wasn't the case that was argued at trial, however.  Churchwell focused on whether or not 85 percent confidence level in statistics was enough to prove Santa Clara's election system discriminated against minorities. The appeal was even more picayune — the definition of "usually."  (Neither of these specious argument successfully distracted from the plain-as-the-nose-on-your-face fact that no minority was ever elected to the City Council.)

It seems that these were small-bore questions compared to the one Doyle really and truly wanted to argue, which appeared to be the inviolable right of charter cities to contravene state law. The City's first briefs also included arguments about the CVRA violating the 14th amendment — a question the federal Supreme Court has twice refused to consider.

It calls to mind Walter Mitty arguing a landmark court case just before he gets run over in the middle of the street by a bus.

Doyle's salary is about $350,000 and Churchwell banked nearly $1.5 million. That's some costly delusional thinking.

Tuesday, February 2, 2021

Space Laser Shocker — NFL Team, Not European Banking Family, Behind Wildfires

 Trigger warning: Satire ahead. 

Editor's note: It recently came to Observeris' attention that the local Self-Appointed Pundit (SAP) is planning a massive exposé of the San Francisco 49ers. This presumably is intended to deflect public attention from  SAP's upcoming engagement with the criminal justice system. 
When SAP's bombshell was leaked to Observeris, we realized that we had, in fact, already scooped SAP on Feb. 2.

Yesterday Santa Clara's mayor revealed that the 49ers are behind the space lasers that caused the 2018 Camp fire in Northern California, citing research by the Santa Clara City Clerk showing that in all years when there are wildfires, within six months there are 49er games.


The Clerk reported that he had gathered data from "many sources" including QAnon message boards, the Drudge Report and Infowars.


The clerk says that he has also found evidence of Martian lizard people living under 4949 DeBartolo Way in the most recent QAnon code drop, 1234567890qwerty. JFK Junior and Elvis are also likely living there, he said.


"It's a smoking gun — you could see the lasers going up from Levi's Stadium," he said. "But they didn't report these expenditures on their Form 460s. We are taking this abuse of our dark money prohibition to the Fair Political Practices Commission."


"I'd really like to thank our city clerk for bringing this to my attention," said the Santa Clara mayor. "Without his hard work, we would never have known about this. It's just another example of how the 49ers are keeping us in the dark."


"These space lizards are overcrowding our schools," said the council member from District 3.14. "They are shining those laser lights into people's windows and keeping our children from getting a good night's sleep."


The mayor brushed aside questions about why the City Clerk was reading QAnon message boards on city time.


"Our officials are very dedicated to staying informed," she said. "Some of our council members even read newspaperish thingeys like the New York Times, which has nothing to do with Santa Clara."


The Santa Clara city attorney also weighed in. "There is clear precedent for legal action here," he said, citing the 1955 class action lawsuit Doe v Martians. 


"The 9th amendment gives us the absolute right to prohibit the 49ers' use of space lasers," he said. "But the 49er lizards on the city council are blocking legal action on the orders of their Martian overlords."

The city manager proposed hiring a consultant to investigate the stadium lasers and the space lizards, saying that the city is hoping to hire Rudy Guiliani. "He has a lot of experience investigating lizard people and is currently available," the manager said. 


This was quashed by the Council's Reality Party majority. The city attorney objected, saying that refusing to talk about space lizards nesting under the 50 yard-line at Levi's Stadium was abridging his First Amendment rights"

Saturday, December 19, 2020

Mayor Steps Up to Help Homeless Family


Trigger warning: Satire ahead

Mayor Lisa Gillmor has offered to buy Mar-a-Lago from Donald Trump and include a year’s free apartment in one of Gillmor Real Estate’s properties for the Trumps. This week Palm Beach Fla. filed suit against Trump for breaking his promise not to live there.


“Mr. Trump lost his job and he’s being evicted like so many during this pandemic,” said Gillmor.


“We feel the need to step up and help. Here’s a man with an extended family that depends on him and now they could all be out in the cold in January.”


Gillmor also noted that the City offers many job-training programs.


“Mission College offers excellent career programs where the Trumps could learn new skills that would make them employable,” she said, "that don’t involve managing money or governing. I can see the Trumps being self-sufficient within two years.”


If her offer is accepted, Gillmor says she plans to turn Mar-a-Lago into a soccer park. She assured Palm Beach residents that she would not be inviting Rudy Giuliani to the property.


Trump’s wife Melania said that she would welcome the offer if Gillmor would include a second apartment. Trump hasn’t indicated if he’s favorable to the sale, only asking if California has an extradition treaty with New York.

Tuesday, November 10, 2020

Mayor Demands Electoral College Decide Council Races

After a stinging defeat for her slate of city council candidates, Santa Clara's mayor demanded that the County Registrar of Voters not publish election results until the Electoral College meets in December.

"We don't know who was elected right now," the mayor said. "We know that elections are decided by the Electoral College, not a bunch of ballots. For all we know, every one of those ballots could have been cast by Jed York."


The mayor also said that hundreds of ballots were found in discarded Halloween pumpkins near City Hall, but the Registrar of Voters refuses to count them. "This is just another example of how the 49ers are running the show."


"As usual, the Mayor is blowing smoke," said one of the newly elected Council Members. "Everyone knows that the Electoral College only decides presidential elections."


The mayor continues to insist that the Electoral College decides city council races.


"We're demanding an investigation. It's very suspicious that the 49ers come here and then we start having these election thingys. We'll take this to the Supreme Court if we have to.


"The City Attorney says we have a very strong case based on the 1947 opinion in Who-ha v. Woo-Woo by the Ho-Ho-Kus NJ Justice of the Peace," the mayor added.


The City Manager is preparing a letter to residents to correct false narratives about the election.


The money will come from the library budget. "If people didn't waste time reading so-called books," said one of the mayor's supporters, "they wouldn't be so misinformed." 


© Carolyn Schuk

Wednesday, September 23, 2020

City Denounces 49ers For Comcast Outage

Trigger Warning: Satire Ahead

At a special meeting today, the Santa Clara City Council approved, 4-2, a Stern Rebuke and Admonition against the 49ers for what they say was the NFL team's role in the Wednesday's Comcast outage.

"We are completely outraged," said the Mayor.

"First they undermine our day-lengthening initiative, which would have benefitted all Santa Clara residents, and now they cut off our internet, hurting our most vulnerable residents. I don't know what's next. Maybe they're going to say the earth isn't flat."

When asked by a reporter how the team could "turn off" Comcast's internet and cable TV service, the mayor replied, "Because of their mismanagement, the stadium is sucking up all the pixels or whatever so there's none left for our residents."

The Mayor ended the discussion, saying that she didn't have time to talk to "newsy thingys."

Speaking from an igloo off the grid, the Councilmember from Antarctica District said, "Our kids can't do their homework because they're being starved of the digibits they need. This is disgusting."

A second Councilmember weighed in.

"When we used to get our digibits and pixels over the telephone— and that was so long ago that many of you here probably can't remember when you needed to have a telephone number and a wire to get to the internet through Netscape — it was easier to control where they were going, but now when they're just all mixed up in your cable TV — which many people are dropping now anyway — you can't figure out who's getting what and then there's the whole problem of where to park them when they're not being used and it's very hard to know what's going on, but I think we have to hold the 49ers accountable."

The City Manager announced that the City was launching an $1 million investigation into the matter, saying, "We have hired Rudy Giuliani and he's preparing to travel to Ukraine to investigate."

The Council can expect a full report before the election said the City Manager. "Our communications consultant Alfred E. Neuman is rolling out a citywide education program. We think we will be able to reach the entire city via telegraph."

The City Manager also reported that they are talking to AG William Barr about bringing federal criminal charges against Council dissenters under the Alien and Sedition Act of 1798.

© Carolyn Schuk

Tuesday, September 22, 2020

City Files New Lawsuit Alleging 49ers Interference in City's Day Lengthening Initiative

Trigger warning: satire ahead

The Santa Clara City Attorney announced this week that the City is filing a new lawsuit against the 49es. The City alleges that the NFL team has interfered with the sun’s rotation around the earth, thereby stalling and ultimately reversing the City's day-lengthening initiative. 

This is the 49th lawsuit the City has filed against the team. 

"This is just another example of their mismanagement," said the Mayor. "It's not a coincidence that the NFL season opened and suddenly the days started getting shorter. We're not surprised they’re throwing their billions around to influence the solar system, helped by the Fake News.”

 The City initially saw good results from the initiative, said the City Manager. “But that started slowing down in July and then it really went in the wrong direction when the pre-season was supposed to start. We asked to see the reports about their astrology operation, but they claimed there was no such thing.” 

Speaking from an secret bunker, the council member from the Southwest-Northeast District weighed in saying, “They’re pushing these lies on small children. I’ve seen textbooks with these lies. These are our kids' minds that are being poisoned.” 

“They just have to stop, along with their media enablers,” said the member from District 9 ¾. “That’s right, I mean you, New York Times. City Attorney, can we arrest the publisher of the New York Times? We should be able to. I mean, this is totally unfair.” 

The City Attorney said that as desirable for public morals as it would be to arrest the NYT publisher for sedition, he didn’t have any jurisdiction over the NYPD. 

The mayor’s council opponents held a press conference, telling news outlets that the move was just more evidence that the mayor and her allies needed to find a new line of work. 

 “I hear that Ringling Brothers is looking for clowns,” said one. “I could give them strong references. They always make me laugh.” 

 Update: A Superior Court judge dismissed the City's complaint late this afternoon saying that "people who still believe the sun revolves around the earth have no right to waste judicial time." The City announced that it will appeal the dismissal. 

© Carolyn Schuk